im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
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I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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