I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Randomize
