I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
