i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
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