I think I won the penis lottery.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Randomize
