i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
