so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
