unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
