Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
