in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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