i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
