I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
