Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
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