Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Randomize
