So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
