so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
