I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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