Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
