we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Who died my cat blue again?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Randomize
