if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
