You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I wish I could teleport
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
