8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Randomize
