When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
