i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
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