It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
How does it feel to date your dad?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
