If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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