Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
