I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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