my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
