Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
