I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
