this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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