I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
one two three fourrrrnication!
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
