he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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