I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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