Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I need a burrito and a hug.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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