So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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