I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
