He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
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