Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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