I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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