Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
