my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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