I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
