The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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