you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
