I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Someone came in the potted fern
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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