i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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