I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Randomize
