i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
