Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize
