my being single is dangerous.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
