she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
