I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
