you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
