What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
thus making me awesome and them whores
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
