Just took my morning after pill in the library
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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